So first let's break the "good/bad binary". If you are unknowingly committing abuse you are not automatically a bad person. It is what you do once you recognize the bad behaviors that are happening that is important.
Ask yourself:
- Am you saying derogatory/insulting things to people in your life, even as a joke?
- Have you been told by others that things you say make them upset/uncomfortable?
- Do you call people names to make them feel bad, when you are mad at them?
- Do you find yourself often yelling at others?
- Do the people around you seem uncomfortable when you make jokes?
- Do you say negative things about others within earshot of them?
These are all signs of micro-aggressions which are part of verbal abuse. What may seem like a joke or no big deal to some people, is very real to others.
The key to doing better is to be more aware of the language that you and others around you use. Be more careful of what you say and listen to people's reactions. Think more carefully about your language and how you communicate with others.
Here is an example:
If you have a 4 year old, who while your back is turned colors in crayon all over the wall. What is your reaction?
One more toxic reaction would be to yell at the child and call them a horrible brat and punish them. The child may learn not to color on the wall but is also more afraid of being yelled at and probably of you to a lesser extent.
Another reaction would be to do nothing, but then your child doesn't learn the lesson and may continue acting out in the future.
A final reaction would be to take their crayons away, tell them that they shouldn't do it because it is ruining something that belongs to everyone and tell them that they get their crayons back if they help you clean up the wall/ do it themselves. The punishment is inconvenient for the child so they will probably not do it again, but at the same time they understand why it was a problem.
Another example more geared to people with a middle schooler or high schooler is if your kid skips school.
One example of a reaction is to yell at them when they get home. Scream and tell they are a worthless, ungrateful child who doesn't care about their future. Maybe ground them for a month.
Another thing would be to passive aggressively not buy them food for lunch or not do their laundry, like you usually do.
But a final reaction could be to sit the kid down and asked them why they skipped. Don't accuse them of lying. Don't cut them off. Just listen and ask for the truth. Maybe they just wanted to act out. But maybe they weren't even skipping. If you are over 10 mins late you are counted absent. Ask them before you accuse them of a crime they may or may not have committed.
So it is an adjustment period but you have to know it when you hear it. Insults to people's looks or personalities are often hard hitting and damaging. Making efforts to communicate how you feel and why you are frustrated, and listening to other's experiences will be more productive and helpful in the long run.
Sometimes this isn't as easy as it seems. If you find you cannot change your behaviors by simply being aware of them, you may need professional help.
Or other therapist
